I posted this on INO but it disappeared into the 2nd page and I'm too lazy to bump it up. Also, I haven't posted many poems on this yet and my new poems need some touching up, so here's an old one. Not quite a poem, but it means a lot.
I wanted to begin this by telling you I've lost my way,
I've forgotten who I am.
But then the words formed in my head,
like they always do, jumbled up,
too pretty for me to comprehend.
Too beautiful to escape my mind.
So instead I have to tell you that I never did find my way.
I set out years ago,
onto the road of Obligatory Identity Crisis.
I thought I found myself.
When the dust finally settled,
I thought my mind did too.
But like with most things, I was wrong.
I'd like to be able to describe my confusion
in decorated metaphors,
to show you how I could be smart,
how I could be everything I'm trying to be.
So I'll confess that at one point in my life,
I was a sheep in wolf's clothing,
halo rusting.
Pretending,
pretending to be bad,
to be brave,
to be the girl you'd dreamt of meeting,
you know, the one with the crazy hair and screwed up heart.
The kind of girls you read about in those crazy cult novels,
Smart, full of quirks and snappish wit.
Girls who'd break your heart and stay on your mind.
But I'm just a plain jane.
Always have been,
always will be.
The first time you meet me,
you won't even notice me,
your eyes will be set on the two beautiful girls behind me.
The ones sipping their drinks and
pretending to be too cool to care if anyone
took an interest to them.
I'm sorry, I digress.
The whole point of this was to tell you that
I still don't know who I am.
Or perhaps I do,
I'm just so unsatisfied that I won't settle.
I want to be the girl you'd remember,
your love at first sight.
The girl you'd talk about when you're drunk with your friends,
and exclaiming,
"She's amazing, I want to spend the rest of my life with her."
If this ever reaches you,
will you be brave enough to break my heart?
Because I know,
I know somewhere at the back of my mind
behind those figurative walls everyone has built up
to keep things in and keep things out,
that you'd never fall in love with a plain jane.
And no matter how many times I've told you
I don't know who I am,
I don't think I'll ever find myself
As anything more than that.
The background character,
the one in the credits as Girl in Classroom #2.
and You,
you'll always be the leading man.
and someone else will be the leading girl.
So yeah, I never did find my way.
And yeah, you'll never notice me,
and this,
this letter of a pathetic confession
which is more confusing than touching
will never find its way to You.
I hope it never finds its way to You.
Forever,
Jane.
